The Mizusawa High School Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
by solysal
Summary: No one really knows why patient zero was wearing a Daddy Bear shirt. AU


**A/N:** Inspired by the lawlariously terrifying final scene of Season 2, Episode 8. Content warnings for brief mentions of zombie-related blood and gore.

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**1. No one really knows why patient zero was wearing a Daddy Bear shirt.**

It was supposed to be simple. He'd practiced the words ("Surprise," he'd say), imagined their faces (Taichi'd tell Chihaya not to stare). But the zombie apocalypse has a way of complicating things. Still, Arata has to admit, even with her skin sucked sallow and rigor mortis choking her to the bone, Shinobu looks like a queen.

...

**2. Do not, under any circumstances, play with the zombies.**

Kana's washing blood from under her fingernails when she hears Nishida yell. She's out the door and down the stairs before she can even think to grab—what would she grab anyway? A book? A chair? The past few hours have been a flood of barricades and phone calls and makeshift weaponry and everyone stay put help is on the way. She keeps hoping she'll wake up, curiously vivid snapshots—Wataya Arata bolting up the steps of the Omi Jingu Shrine, the queen of karuta lurching behind—just odds and ends of another half-forgotten nightmare. It would certainly explain what she sees next.

"Chihaya, get away from there!" Taichi barks, the rest of the team attempting to drag Chihaya away from what looks like a painstakingly thought-out karuta array. Kana squints. The cards sit close to a low window, and while it's not the wisest thing to do when there are hordes of zombies prowling the streets, her team's reaction strikes her as extreme. That's when a rotting arm punches through the glass.

"But it looked like Shinobu-chan was going for a card this time!" Chihaya protests.

"No, she was definitely going for your throat!" Nishida shouts back.

"No, she was aiming for her jugular," Komano corrects. Sumire stares at him like he's grown an extra head, which given the current state of affairs, is absurdly within the realm of possibility. "What? The queen's always been known for her precision."

Chihaya fights her way out of Nishida's hold. "Why don't you guys understand? Shinobu-chan loves karuta! If we can just remind her—!"

Belatedly, Kana realizes she's laughing. Of course. Of _course_. It's all so typically _Chihaya_ that she almost feels relieved. No one believes in karuta like their captain. Kana chooses her next words carefully. "Chihaya! Wakimiya-san might love karuta, but she's not human anymore! The rules are different now!"

Kana casts a glance at the queen before taking a crestfallen Chihaya by the hand. For a zombie, her glassy-eyed rage is downright _serene_.

...

**3. Some people never change.**

Hiro has barely finished nailing another plank across the entryway when the leathery thwack against the door starts up again. He doesn't doubt his handiwork. He'd selected the thickest boards he could find, meticulously reinforcing every hinge, every decorative panel. Just—well, it's only practical to consider the possibility of the—the _thing_ on the other side breaking through, and he has a hammer after all—

"I guess we'll need more wood."

Hiro does _not_ scream. He does _not_ jump. He acknowledges Amakasu with a grim nod because he is ever-alert, perpetually aware of his surroundings, so observant, in fact, that his girlfriend once asked why he didn't drop karuta entirely and consider enlisting with the special defense forces.

Amakasu surveys the door matter-of-factly and sighs. "Honestly, sometimes I think Sudo-senpai became a zombie just to spite us."

...

**4. It never hurts to get genre-savvy.**

It's the fifth day since they've holed up in the tournament hall, and Sumire's mascara is just as flawless as when she first walked into the building. Nishida doesn't usually notice these things, but he's trying to figure out exactly what he's doing huddled around an improbably assembled poster with a bunch of the other tournament goers. Sumire, apparently anticipating some confusion, has helpfully labeled the meeting agenda 'How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse.'

"Listen up, everyone! Since a lot of you are unfamiliar with how the rise of the dead works, I've assembled a list of three things you should absolutely know." Sumire folds her arms and surveys her audience. Nishida takes her furrowed brow as an indication that she finds them lacking. "First, don't let them bite you!"

Osaka Megumu's hand shoots up. "Why?"

"Think about the transmission vector!"

Tsukuba blinks. "Transmission vector?"

"We haven't all turned into zombies, have we? Whatever's causing this isn't airborne." Sumire rubs her forehead gravely. "Honestly have none of you heard of High School of the Dead?" Nishida finds the blank stares that follow daunting. Fortunately, Sumire does not. "Second, if it still has a head, it's _not_ dead!"

Komano gingerly adjusts his glasses. "So…does that mean…?"

"The correct term is double tap!" Sumire pauses theatrically, head bowed, Nishida assumes, with the weight of the information she is preparing to reveal. "Third, and most importantly of all! Do. Not. Risk. Your. Life. In a sports drama, we'd be the heroes, but in a survival horror story, the most we can hope for is plucky side characters! Our survival isn't part of whatever fate has in store!"

At that point, Nishida stops trying to make sense of the situation altogether.

...

**5. Failing a shotgun, a machete can do the job just as well.**

Taichi never expected that true love would look like Ayase Chitose brandishing a machete over the torso of a charging zombie, but then again, he never expected to be backed into a wall counting down the seconds until something started _chewing_ him. Her hair fans out around her head like a halo, or maybe that's the leftover adrenaline from seeing his life flash before his eyes. He figures he's not really in a position to judge.

"What? Got a crush, little boy?" she asks with a sweetly forced smile when she catches him staring. She yawns. "Get in line."

Her friend, who's just finished dispatching the leftovers with a shotgun, wraps her arms around Chitose's shoulders and _preens_. "Wow, Ayase-san, you're so cool! Where'd you learn to fight like that?"

"Well, Mogami-san," Chitose replies, unsuccessfully attempting to shrug out of the embrace. "While you were off reviving Dark Moon, I was busy kicking in undead skulls for the Shikabane Hime live action."

"Maybe I should do a horror movie next!" Mogami hops back, beaming. "It sounds like so much fun!"

Chitose pinches the bridge of her nose. "Fun is a word for it, I suppose." Then she walks right past him and calls out to her sister. "Chihaya, get out here! Mom and dad sent me to bring you home."

Somewhere nearby, he can hear Sumire whisper, "I think the main characters just arrived."


End file.
